Rants With Miles - The Dentist

I have some pretty strong opinions about things. And I can get into long, spirited arguments about them. This column is about me ranting about things, but you might feel otherwise. If you disagree or want to add to anything I say, simply leave a comment below.

I've always hated the dentist. When I was little, they told me I had five cavities even though I don't eat sweets! My braces were $6,000 on sale! I had to get two teeth extracted to make room in my mouth - for $150 a tooth! Basically, they want money, even though they're all rich already. One of the dentists is always trying to hint at how rich he is, saying things like "Cancel all my appointments, I have to go to my summer home in East Chop." (wherever Chop is)

And the dentists at the place I go to (which I probably shouldn't name) are really mean. They're always telling me I didn't brush well even though I brush fine. Once I got a dentist who, as I got into the chair, said "Oh, God" for no reason. There was a dentist who held open the door for me, but apparently I didn't take long enough to walk through so she just shoved it closed. And once, the dentist was doing a "ligature tie" on my braces. It was really hurting, and then she shook her head. She tried again, and shook her head again. Finally, the leader dentist person came and told her she was doing it wrong. Then the lead dentist did it right in five seconds. Once I was just sitting in the chair for 10 minutes because the dentists were gossiping.

Here's the anatomy of a typical dentist appointment: I get into the waiting room and open up a "National Geographic" magazine. However, I can't read it because of all the creepy little kids screaming as they throw toys around like monkeys. Finally, the dentist calls me in. I sit into the chair, and she does her typical rant about how I didn't brush well. Then she brushes my teeth. Then she puts on the fluoride. That stuff tastes terrible! And for the rest of the day, I always keep burping up fluoride, and I have to cringe up to get it back down.

So basically, dentists are overpriced, mean, and just bad overall. I don't like some woman with a cold (true story; she kept sniffling and coughing throughout the appointment) poking around in my mouth. I don't like creepy kids throwing toys everywhere while screaming as if they're dying in a fire. In short, I dread the dentist. A lot. And you should too.

A typical dentist.